Friday, May 8, 2009

Patterns of waiting and longing


I remember when my sister was born; sadly not because I was so overjoyed to have a little sister (sorry hun) but because I got a baby doll. It looked like a real baby, and was just the right size to wear little baby clothes. I took that baby everywhere, and when Moma would show people my little sister, there I was with my baby in a blanket to be shown too. People would ouu and ahh over my baby and it wasn’t till much much later in my life that I realized they knew it was wasn’t a real baby. But it didn’t matter. I was hooked. I knew what I wanted to be, a moma, just like my Moma, well almost just like, I also wanted to be a ballerina teacher (notice, not a ballet teacher). Things came and went in my life, but that was one thing that stayed the same. I was at a loss after college; I didn’t know what to do with myself. The only thing I really wanted on earth was to be a wife and a mother, and I couldn’t have that. So God’s plans took over, and it wasn’t easy, and I was single for a while, over 27 years. But now finally I find myself married, and not just married, but I’m married to The Man. I mean he even has a white truck, which we drove away from the church in after the wedding; that’s almost as good as a white horse…maybe better. I fall more in love with him all the time. He’s everything I waited for and more. Yet even with this, I live with the same patterns of waiting and longing that I did before. I used to think marriage was like a best friend + sex, but for us at least it’s so much more than that, a completely different bond. When he’s gone the emptiness is far deeper than I ever experienced when I was single. I miss him so much even the memory of his annoying idiosyncrasies is nostalgic, lol. What I’m trying to drive at is this: things are not going to be “right” down here. I believe the only place where all our longings and desires will be fulfilled is heaven. So learn to live with your longings in joy; learn to long for heaven. Stop thinking that, as soon as I graduate, as soon as I have kids, as soon as I can travel, as soon as I…bla-bla-bla. Stop thinking that you are going to reach a point on this earth where all your longing are fulfilled and you can finally be perfectly happy. Learn instead to be perfectly content…let God help you learn this. Shew! What a struggle this is for me these days!

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